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Studio "A," this is Master Control.
You're up on router 9 tonight.
Three minutes in, four minutes live.
Dan, Casey, to the studio, please.
I tell you to hit. What do you do? Are you listening to me?
You know, I don't understand the insurance.
You don't have to understand the insurance.
- I just buy the insurance. - Yes, you do.
When did you become the guy who knows more than me about blackjack?
I've always been the guy who knew more than you about blackjack.
- Always? - Yes.
- Then why do you lose? - I never lose.
You always lose.
I hardly ever lose.
You hardly ever win.
Tonight's different.
Yeah, I had a hunch.
- I'm in the zone. - There's no zone.
- There's a zone. - There really isn't.
There is a very palpable zone, my friend,
and I am in it.
Two minutes in, three minutes live.
Jeremy, check Natalie's shot sheet in the 20s. She got something wrong.
You got something wrong?
Yes, I did, wonder boy, and after the show, I'm gonna kill myself.
Why don't you go play some tennis with your friends?
How many times do you want me to say, "I'm sorry"?
It's gonna be a few more times.
We're having a little thing.
I've been hearing about it all day.
Teddy, it's a standing two.
Ask them about their running game. Ask them about injuries.
She wanted to go to the movies.
I really have been hearing about it all day.
Dana, can I see you out here?
Yeah.
What's going on?
I'm shrinking.
- But that's not what I came to tell you. - You're shrinking?
Manny measured me for a new suit an hour ago. Turns out I'm shrinking.
Where?
- You want to listen to me, or you want to tell your funny jokes? - I can do both.
Heh. Peter Lasker and Paul Schapp are...
- Oh, you're kidding. - It's snowing in Pittsburgh.
- Dan and Casey are going to Atlantic City. - Not tonight.
Paul and Peter are stuck at the airport?
They've been sitting on the tarmac.
Casey and Dan are gonna be pretty mad, Isaac.
You better get in there and tell them.
I've decided to let you do it.
Really?
- I'm delegating. - Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Paul and Peter are on a tarmac in Pittsburgh.
60 seconds to VTR.
- 90 seconds live. - Stand by, VTR.
- Paul and Peter aren't gonna make it? - It's snowing.
The guys think they're going to Atlantic City.
- Not tonight. - Who's gonna tell them?
Funny you should ask that, Natalie.
Roll VTR.
- I say, "Double down". What do you do? - Can we stop?
- I say, "Double down". What do you do? - How do you know you're in the zone?
Cut me.
- Danny, I... - Cut the cards.
9.
Jack.
7.
8.
Queen.
Ace.
Dude, you are in the zone.
- I say, "Double down". - Double my ass down.
Fellas, I've got some bad news.
There's no bad news tonight, Natalie.
When the show comes down,
Danny and I are hopping in a limo,
heading down the Garden State Parkway,
and getting off at the exit clearly marked "The Zone".
That's great, Casey, but all those things you just said...
- Yeah? - ...not gonna happen.
Show her the card thing.
Paul and Peter are trapped in an airport.
It's snowing in Pittsburgh. You gotta stay and do the "West Coast Update."
Look, I know you guys had your heart set on going to Atlantic City
and that this isn't the first time that this has happened...
- Natalie... - Yeah?
It's no problem.
- It's no problem? - It's no problem.
- You're kidding. - Life's like that sometimes, Natalie.
- You can't control the weather. - So you shouldn't worry about it.
- We all work for the same network. - We're happy to help out.
I have to say I'm really impressed
with the maturity you two are exhibiting right now.
- Part of the job. - Have a good show.
Bites!
It bites hard.
Oh, this bites.
In 3... 2...
Good evening.
From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus a Ryder Cup preview and a trip to the Big Sombrero.
We'll run down how the top draft picks are faring in the big time,
and we'll run up the flag at Greensboro.
All that coming up after this.
You're watching "Sports Night" on CSC, so stick around.
We're out.
Anyway, I-I really appreciate
the two of you sticking around and filling in.
- It's no problem. - Oh, please.
You think I want to be stuck doing "The 2:00 A.M."?
- This is just a temp gig. - Temp gig?
- A temporary gig. - Thanks.
My stuff's out there. I talk to a lot of people.
Just so long as none of them are talking back.
CNBC, MSNBC...
- M-O-U-S-E. - Danny...
Well, like she's listening to anybody but herself.
- Even CNN. - No kidding.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, Sally, we're sort of
in the middle of a...
what do you call it?...
a national television show.
But we do good work on "The 2:00 A.M."
Sally, we're back in 30, and you're in our shot.
- I have a keen dislike for that woman. - She's perfectly nice.
She is not perfectly nice,
and I'd appreciate a little backup here.
Can we have a bond over this, please?
Fine. I'll stop thinking Sally is nice
if you'll stop thinking Jeremy is right.
I never said he was right.
Hey, I'm sitting right here.
- Stay quiet! - Thank you!
Sally, camera 2 has got your butt pretty well framed,
so if you wouldn't mind stepping out of the shot...
Thank you. And be sure Casey sees your cleavage as you walk out.
There you go.
In 3... 2...
That's all for us, but don't shed a tear
'cause Casey and I will be back at 2:00 A.M. on this coast, 11:00 P.M. on the left,
subbing in for Peter Lasker and Paul Schapp on the "West Coast Update."
So don't adjust that dial,
and while we're gone, if any talking animals
ask you to buy some tacos or beer,
for God's sake, do what they tell you.
- You've been watching "Sports Night" on CSC. Have a good night. - Good night, Mom.
We're out.
You know, it occurs to me
- we have some time to kill. - Yes.
- And a deck of cards. - Yes!
We've been to the ATM.
Some people around here with a little too much change in their pockets.
- We gotta lighten these folks up a little bit. - Take 'em off their coin.
You know what they say.
- About what? - About money won.
- What do they say? - I don't know. I'm asking.
They say it's twice as sweet as money earned.
How come you said, "What do they say?"
It was an alley-oop pass. I was dishing you the ball.
You were. And I completely missed it.
Well, I was there for the putback.
I wouldn't have been able to do anything with it anyway.
- That's right. - 'Cause I didn't know the expression.
Not only that, but it was, like, half an hour ago,
and we're still talking about it.
Uh-oh.
You're not in the zone anymore, are you?
- Not in the zone. - Lost the zone.
I'm down here with the rest of you.
Let's play cards. Come on!
Hey, Isaac, you in here?
Whoa! I can barely see you down there.
Pretty funny coming from someone I can fire any time I like.
I downloaded some stuff on osteoporosis.
- Dana, this is no joke. - I know.
And the good news is it says here
that osteoporosis isn't an inevitable part of aging as once was thought.
In fact, if you haven't reached menopause yet...
- No, wait. Hold on. - Thank you very much.
Either of you interested in participating in the sport of kings?
- We're gonna race horses? - We're gonna play poker.
- That's not the sport of kings. - What's the sport of kings?
- Racing horses. - What's poker the sport of?
It's the sport of people who play poker.
- Thank you. - Isaac's shrinking.
Oh, yeah, Dana, I forgot to ask you ...please, spread that around.
What do you say? We got nothing to do for two hours.
$10 minimum, 3-raise limit?
- Whatever. - Shoe money tonight!
- Whatever. Isaac? - I'll play a couple hands.
Isaac, I'm gonna bring along this material on shrinking and read it aloud as we play
unless you think that's gonna distract you.
No, I just want to make sure you've got time
to put your résumé together and clean out your desk.
He's nuts about me.
It was one night. It was tennis.
It was the only night we had the same night off together
for, like, two weeks.
We're together every night anyway.
At midnight!
We go back to my place or we go back to your place.
We have a lot of sex.
We watch "The 2:00 A.M. Wrap-up."
We go to sleep. We come to work.
What kind of a relationship is that?
It's working out pretty well for me.
It was a joke! I made a joke! I like to make you laugh.
Why? Because I like you very much.
Jeremy, it wasn't the greatest joke I've ever heard.
I never said I was opening for Jack Benny.
- You meant Henny Youngman. - I meant Jack Benny.
Jack Benny plays the clarinet.
Jack Benny plays the violin. For that matter, so does Henny Youngman.
But you're thinking of Benny Goodman.
Do you really always have to be right?
- No. - Then why are you still talking?
- 'Cause I am right. - Could have guessed.
Hey, if we're gonna fight, can it not be about Henny Youngman?
We're not fighting about Henny Youngman.
We're fighting because instead of going to the movies with me,
- you decided to play tennis with Judy Rootie-tootie. - You guys getting all this?
You know someone named Judy Rootie-tootie?
- Judy Reston-Taylor. - The actress?
- We went to school together. - I hear she's great in that new thing.
- Thank you, Siskel & Ebert! - Natalie!
Hey, we're playing poker in the conference room. You guys in?
Natalie and I can't play.
It's important we spend these precious moments together.
Oh, there'll be no precious moments tonight, darling.
- You know what I mean? - I think I do.
- No precious moments of any kind. - I understand.
If, however, your arrogance extends
to thinking you're a better poker player than I am,
you are welcome to join me at the card table
so that I can wipe that smug smile off your face
and teach you a lesson you so richly deserve.
Natalie, do you even know how to play poker?
The guys at Sigma Kappa Pi.
Let me play in their poker game any time I wanted.
Now, why do you suppose that was?
'Cause you're a knockout and your parents are loaded?
'Cause I got game, baby.
Have you fallen on your head?
Or are you just afraid I might humiliate you
and you won't be able to go to Sundance with Judy the ho?
I tell you, Casey, it appears some time has freed up in my schedule,
and I just might be able to play cards with you after all.
Rack 'em up, Casey.
That's pool, you mental patient!
- It's gonna be a fun night. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I can't believe how not in the zone I am.
It's really pretty startling how little time it takes
to go from being in the zone to being not in the zone.
Yeah.
Tell them about the time I was in the zone.
There was a time he was in the zone.
- Beautiful. - Yes, it was, but you know what?
- What? - That's yesterday's news. You're what was.
Look at your cards and make a bet.
- Fold. - Call.
Shoe money tonight!
- Would you stop that? - Isaac's a little cranky.
It seems when he was growing up, he didn't get enough calcium and vitamin D.
8... possible flush.
6... no help. Queen... no help.
Aces bet.
$10.
- Natalie... - $10.
Don't you think you owe me enough money?
I was taught to play poker by the boys of Sigma Kappa Pi.
I'm doin' fine.
Natalie, you owe me, like, $700,000.
I'm basically your landlord at this point.
Stop playing!
Jealous of the frat boys?
There are times you're not that easy to love.
How are my guys?
Us?
We are putting together a great show for you guys.
- Good. - Well, "great" is relative. It's just "The 2:00 A.M."
On your show, though, man, I could really do my thing... I mean let it fly!
Sally, can I talk to you a second?
- Guess there's only one Dana Whitaker, though. - Sally.
I have a hunch Dana's about to make that point right now.
Pair of kings.
- Trip aces. - Ahh.
Straight to the jack.
- Can I say something? - Sure.
Of my entire roster of boyfriends,
and it is, believe me, quite the lengthy list,
you are my least favorite.
Hey, I'm just happy to be on the team.
On segments 10, 12, and... 13...
I really don't want to get into a little thing with you.
No, you really don't. On segments 10, 12, and 13...
No, I-I'm just saying "The 2:00 A.M." is my show.
- And you do a good job. - Yeah, I'm not staying there forever, Dana.
I have got people talking to me... MSNBC...
Sally, I don't really care that much about your life.
Well, look who's the belle of the ball.
Right. On segments 10, 12, and 13...
- What about them? - Casey's not gonna want to do it this way.
He likes to break up the highlights with features or remotes.
- Casey approves your rundowns? - No, but that's me.
We've been working together a really long time.
It's like a marriage. He trusts me.
With you... and I hope you don't take this personally...
with you, he's gonna want to approve the rundown.
- He already approved it. - N-he approved it?
- He said it was fine. - He said it was fine?
Well, he didn't really look at it,
but he said, "Hey, you're the producer. Whatever you think is best."
- Huh. He said that? - Yeah.
Huh. Interesting.
Can I... do y... can I ask ...did he say it like,
"Hey, you're the producer. Whatever you think is best"
or did he say it like, "You're the producer. Whatever you think is best.
"It doesn't really matter since I know.
Dana's gonna look over the rundown and take care of it anyway"?
The first one.
Oh, interesting.
You've got a little thing for Casey, don't you?
I can't tell you how little a thing I don't have.
It's okay. He's very cute.
Recently divorced, makes a ton of money, and I'm sure he's got good contacts.
You know, I don't mind telling you I could really go for him.
We don't even need to have a relationship ...just the sex and the contacts.
My friendship with you is the important thing, Dana.
I-I really mean that, and I don't want anything to get...
Oh, Sally, I can tell you're starting to open up to me a little,
and I think that's great, but I'm pretty much done talking with you right now.
- We'll have drinks? - Absolutely.
- See ya. - Okay.
Jacks and 4's.
Trip 5's.
Straight.
I know why you're beating me so much.
It's 'cause you're not a very good poker player.
- That's not why. - It really is.
Or isn't it just possible that you're sitting in the good chair?!
No. What is possible is that the boys from Sigma Kappa Pi
are a big honking bunch of losers!
- What did I miss? - Natalie's pretty much divested herself of possessions.
I'm mounting a comeback.
Isaac... did somebody step on Isaac?
Oh, no, there you are.
- You still work here? - I'll never leave you, little buddy!
- Casey... - Yep? Ow!
Can I talk to you outside for a second?
Yes.
- You approved Sally's rundown? - Yeah.
- You approved it? - Yes.
- Just like that, it was approved? - Well, I didn't hold confirmation hearings.
No, you just approved it without even looking at it.
- I never need to approve your rundowns. - That's right.
- I have done something wrong, but for the life of me... - Casey...
- We're about to have a little talk, aren't we? - Oh, yes.
Isn't osteoporosis pretty common?
Very common, especially among Caucasian women.
- Bummer. - Yes.
What are you gonna do with your old suits?
- I was thinking about shoving them up your... - No problem.
I'm taking a break if anyone wants my seat.
It's the good chair.
I'm just gonna run to the bathroom.
You want to come with me to the bathroom, Dan?
Why, no, Jeremy, I don't.
You don't want to step outside with me
and talk on our way to the bathroom?
Sure.
We're just stepping out and going to the bathroom.
I didn't really have to go to the bathroom.
- Really? - I just wanted to talk.
I don't think anyone saw through your clever ruse.
- I am in the doghouse with Natalie. - Come in my office.
It's a new relationship. Clearly I've broken some rule that no one ever taught me.
- You played tennis with your friends instead of going out with her? - Right. Yes.
- And one of those friends happened to be a beautiful actress? - Yes.
- Dude. - I know.
- You're very wise to come to me with this problem. - Thank you.
- Natalie is angry because she doesn't understand a fundamental principle. - What's that?
- The principle? - Yeah.
A man's past is more important to him than his future.
Ahh.
- You understand? - No.
- Neither do women. - I know how they feel.
You have to stand firm on this, Jeremy.
Sooner or later she's gonna realize she's wrong,
and when she does, you have to stand firm.
You can't forgive her right away. She needs a little punishment.
- What kind of punishment? - I'd withhold sex.
You would? That sounds like it would be
way worse for me than it would for her.
Education isn't easy.
- You don't have any idea what you're talking about, do you? - On this, no.
- Part of what you said is true. - Really?
I have to stand firm... not to establish an upper hand but to establish equality.
- Exactly. - We'll have an argument,
and she will take a position that absolutely defies logic.
Now, I have a pretty healthy respect for logic,
but then all she has to do is put on one of my shirts.
- The shirt. - She'll grab a white dress shirt from my closet.
- You're cooked. That's it. - It's over.
- Like bishop to queen's rook 7. - Keep going.
My chess team is playing Lakeland.
I start my match king's pawn 3, king's pawn 3,
bam, bam, bam. All of a sudden, the guy moves bishop to queen's rook 7.
I lost 32 moves later, but I was never even in it.
Right.
And that relates to Natalie wearing your shirt how?
I have to stand firm. Thank you.
Right.
I have worked very hard over the years
to learn what you like and what you don't like,
what works for you and what doesn't,
and it's very discouraging to learn it turns out
you've been taking it for granted.
- I haven't been taking it for granted. - You've been taking it for granted.
You think Sally and I operate at the same level,
and since you don't approve my rundowns,
well, then, there's no reason to approve hers.
Sally... you know, Sally? Do you understand what I'm talking about?
- Sally. - Yes.
Let me try this. You are so good at your job and Sally is so not that much
that the actual dichotomy...
- the phenomenal... - You're pathetic! You know that?
I didn't want to bring this up, but it seems to me...
and I'm just speaking as a friend...
it seems to me that your jealousy of Sally
doesn't have quite as much to do with her professional acumen
as you would lead us to believe.
Whoa, there, Huckleberry. Come on back to the stable.
First of all, Sally doesn't have any professional acumen,
and second of all, what the hell are you talking about?
I'm just saying that it's hard not to notice
that the woman's body was put together
by a technician very close to God.
A technician close to God?
Not God himself, but certainly
a high-level staff person... a senior V.P.
Well, her brain was put together
by the assistant night guy at the 7-Eleven.
Well, maybe so, but I think the source of your problem...
- Is her body?! - Her legs do go all the way down to the floor,
and she's gonna be whispering in my ear
for 30 minutes.
Well, one of the things she's gonna be whispering
is, "Stand by, 14," which will be
your third straight highlight without a break for a feature.
She's got cameras 2 and 3 as your primaries, Dan's doing the soccer,
and... two of your intros contain puns.
- Puns? - Puns.
- There are puns? Puns. - Yes. Bad ones.
- Is there such a thing as a good one? - No.
And you're not gonna do anything about this?
Well, sorry, pal. "The 2:00 A.M.'s" not my table.
- Help me out. - I'm gonna go play poker.
You're gonna go play cards while I'm doing puns on camera 3?
It's time to kick back.
Sally!
Last card.
Who's still alive?
Isaac, Natalie, and Jeremy.
- You give Casey a talking to? - Yes, I did.
He didn't really mean anything, Dana.
Bonding.
- I'm sure he deserved it! - Thank you.
- How you doin', Jeremy? - I can't complain...
- Shut up. - Thank you.
Jeremy, ace bets.
$50.
Fold.
- Raise $50. - Natalie...
And then there were two.
- I've raised you $50. - Natalie, listen to me.
You've lost a lot of money to me tonight.
You're basically gonna be living the rest of your life
on a charitable grant from the Jeremy Goodwin foundation.
Take the 100 bucks back and fold.
Scared?
I've got a straight. You've got three 7's.
- You don't have a straight. - Look at me.
I'm not lying to you. I have a straight.
How do you know I don't have a big house?
A full house. Dan already folded the 6 you needed,
and I have the other one.
You don't have a house of any sort. You don't have a pup tent.
You've got trip 7's, and I have a straight.
I want you to trust me right now.
I want you to say to yourself, "Yeah, I've dated a string of jerks in my life.
"They were stupid, they were mean to me, but maybe this one's different.
"Maybe I should take a chance
and not adopt the 'Break up with him before he breaks my heart' strategy."
I want you to remember that when I started liking you,
I didn't stop liking tennis,
and I want you to know that I don't think there's a woman in the world
that you need to be threatened by,
no matter how glamorous you think she is.
But mostly I want you to trust me just once
when I tell you that you have three 7's...
and I have a straight.
You're bluffing so hard it's coming out your ears.
Call.
Three 7's.
6, 7, 8, 9...
and guess what... 5.
That was cool.
- I don't deserve you. - No, you really don't.
I'm sorry.
- I don't think you are. - No, I really am.
This is gonna take some time.
Maybe you could take me back to your apartment
and I can accelerate the healing process.
No, I don't think so, Natalie. I don't think you should be rewarded for your behavior.
Stand tough there, Jeremy.
- What are you doing? - He's my boy.
- You're his boy? - Yeah, but it's okay.
Natalie, I think it's best if we spend tonight apart.
You're probably right.
I've got no clothes at your place anyway,
so I'd just end up having to wear one of your shirts,
and I know how much you hate that.
I was never even in it.
Good night, everybody.
- Good night. - Where are you guys going?
- White dress shirt. - Got it.
Have a good show!... We're not gonna have a good show.
We're gonna have a terrible show.
Dana, you've either got to stand over that woman's shoulder
or you have to call everyone in the Pacific time zone
and tell them I'm not really like this.
Oh, the thing is Jeremy's gone now, the cards are still hot,
and I'm feeling like I might be just a little somewhere in the vicinity of the zone,
- and you know what that means? - Please don't say it.
Shoe money tonight!
Dana...
please?
Kim, bring me a copy of "The 2:00 A.M." rundown.
Will, get me shot sheets for the West Coast hockey.
Elliott, look at V.O.s in the early 20s
and take out all the puns.
5 of clubs,
an ace for my sexy boss.
Somebody take her money.
No chance, stretch.
Jack of diamonds,
10 of hearts, also known as the Dave of love.
8 of hearts, which is just known as the 8 of hearts.
Aces bet.